Musings from an Unconventional Divorce

POST 2 - December 21st, 2024

Anxiety and I have been close companions for as long as I can remember. I was tempted to call us BFFs, but honestly, I’m not sure I want to maintain that kind of relationship with her anymore. She’s exhausting. The constant worry. The endless over-analyzing. Replaying every moment in excruciating high definition, sharp enough to cut. Don’t tell her I said this, but I think she might be an energy vampire. I’m so tired.  

I don’t want to replay every conversation in my head anymore—scrutinizing every facial expression, every tone of voice. Have you seen that “Black Mirror” episode where people can replay every detail of their lives, as if their eyes were cameras recording it all? That’s exactly what my anxiety is like, working overtime to capture and dissect every moment. Yesterday, when I posted my first blog for the world to see, it sent her into overdrive. She’s been rereading the post non-stop, tweaking sentences, fixing links, and agonizing over what people might think.  

Now that the dreaded “D-word” is out there—divorce—she’s whispering in my ear: “How embarrassing. Now everyone knows your marriage failed.”

But here’s the thing: I know she’s just trying to protect me. Anxiety has been working tirelessly since I was a kid, like Alanis sings, “since I was single digits.” So maybe I can’t ask her to retire just yet, but I think we both need a break. Even a few peaceful minutes here and there could do us wonders.  

I’ve found some tools to help ease her grip. I start my mornings with the Calm App, and “The Daily Calm” it lets her put her feet up for a bit. Yoga Nidra sessions on Mindful Movement’s YouTube channel have been lifesavers for both of us as well. And Insight Timer? Let’s just say I’m smitten. What about you? Do you have any favorite ways to meditate?  

If your anxiety tends to comb through the details of your day too, know that it’s okay. Awareness is key. After all, how can we make changes if we don’t even acknowledge what needs attention? And then there’s gratitude—gosh, gratitude has the power to change it all.

Here’s what I’m grateful for today:  

I’m grateful for anxiety. Yes, you read that right. She’s been my early warning system, letting me know when something isn’t right. She’s the one who nudged me to face the reality of my marriage, even when everything looked fine on the surface. Home is supposed to feel like a sanctuary, but I rarely felt relaxed when my husband came home. The arguments, the silence, the slow drift into a relationship that felt more like roommates or siblings than spouses—all of it weighed on me. Anxiety noticed, and for that, I’m grateful. She reminded me that life is precious and that I deserve more. Thank you, Anxiety, for speaking up for me.  

I’m also grateful for a glowing 5-star Google review from a photography client. It made my heart swell. She wrote: “Kristine is absolutely the best! She’s incredibly talented and the most beautiful person inside and out. Working with her was way more than just a photo shoot. It was a partnership. She took the time to get to know me and created a safe space where I could just be myself. She works her magic into capturing the essence of the person in front of her. I am very grateful and can’t wait to share my pictures in my personal and business materials.“

These words lit me up to no end; my eyes welled up with tears, and my heart grew tenfold. They reminded me why I love photography: the joy of meeting clients in beautiful Sarasota locations, seeing their beauty shine through my lens, and reflecting that right back to them—it’s pure magic. More of that, please.

Lastly, I’m deeply grateful for the Erickson Life Coaching program I’m part of. Today, during a demo session, my teacher coached me through a breakthrough about my book, “The Unconventional Addict”. Tears streamed down my face as I imagined the people my words might reach: gray-area drinkers, those still stuck in shame, those struggling with codependency but not yet aware of it. I remember the clarity I felt when I read “Codependent No More”. It was like a spotlight turned on, revealing behaviors that had silently controlled my life. I can’t wait to turn that light on for my own readers and thanks to my coaching session today, I feel more confident and excited about getting my book out there.  

Yes, even in Sweden. When a family member bluntly asked, “You’re not publishing it in Sweden, are you?” it hit me like a punch to the gut. Those words have lived rent-free in my mind ever since, circling back whenever I feel a glimmer of confidence, reminding me of all the ways I could be judged, misunderstood, or dismissed. It’s incredible how much power a single comment can have, how it can make you question yourself and the very essence of your work.

For a long time, those words held me back. I’ve agonized over them, rewriting my story in my head a hundred times, watering it down, trying to make it more palatable, less vulnerable. But the truth is, my story is vulnerable, and that’s exactly why it needs to be told.

Why shouldn’t I publish it in Sweden? I know there are people in my homeland who need this message—people stuck in the same cycles of binge drinking and shame I’ve worked so hard to escape. People weighed down by childhood trauma, unable to break free from the patterns that keep them small. I’ve been there, and I know how suffocating it can feel.

So yes, damn right I’ll publish it in Sweden—and anywhere else this story might help someone feel less alone, less ashamed, and more empowered to step into their light. The words I’ve been holding back aren’t just for me; they’re for anyone who needs them. It’s time to let them out.

What about you? What’s been holding you back? Is there something you’ve been afraid to share because of what people might think? Maybe it’s a dream you’ve been keeping quiet, or a part of your story you’re not sure anyone would understand.

I’d love to hear your thoughts—what resonated with you, what’s been on your mind, or even how anxiety shows up in your own life. Feel free to leave a comment below and share your story, or just say hi. Let’s connect.

Your voice matters, and sometimes, simply sharing can be the first step toward healing or growth. We’re never truly alone, and you never know who might need to hear exactly what you have to say. 🌟